GOOD MORNING MIDNIGHT

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A BRIEF CATALOGUE OF THINGS THAT NEW YORK HAS MADE ME THINK ARE, LIKE, NORMAL WHICH ARE, IN FACT, PROBABLY ACTUALLY NOT

• "Yeah, the last place I was subletting was a railroad and we didn’t have a sink in the bathroom and the entire kitchen ceiling collapsed this one time because the alcoholic upstairs fell asleep in his bathtub and flooded the apartment and it took the landlord over a week to fix it and there were bedbugs in the building, but we never got them in our apartment and we only had to pay $800 a month each!" Not that I know anything about that personally, you know.  Now I pay less than $600 a month and I don’t have any closets and when all the tiles fell off my bathroom wall, my super fixed it within five days!

• Mariachi bands on public transportation.  Accordion players on public transportation, possibly covering Lady Gaga songs. Ukelele players on public transportation. That guy who dresses like a peacock on Seventh Ave in midtown; the guy with the cat on his head who wanders around Flatiron a lot

• People defecating or pleasuring themselves (or both? we have yet to hear of it, though we’re sure it has happened) in public

• That thing where you get a coffee at a bodega, and they put it in a paper bag, with napkins of top of it? 

• That thing where you get a soda at a bodega, and they put it in a paper bag, with a straw?

• Six dollar well drinks; fourteen dollar cocktails; the concept of “bottle service”

• Workplace condoned or encouraged alcoholism; workplace condoned or encouraged drug use

• Daily encounters with rats the size of small dogs. We’ve started thinking of them as pets, really.

• That thing you do where if you pretend like you didn’t see the cockroach, it clearly doesn’t exist.

• That thing you do where if you pretend like you didn’t see the homeless person, nonprofit street fundraising canvasser, guy who is following you shouting about your ass, celebrity, or person you slept with three years ago that you just passed on the street, they clearly don’t exist. 

• 104 degree summers with suffocating humidity for which you have one flimsy window fan (well, if you’re lucky enough to have a window) to keep you from literally melting overnight and you’re like, oh, whatever, the subway platform this morning was way worse.

• Two seasons: cold, and hot and smelly. 

• SLOWWALKERS, or, alternately, the irrepressible rage directed at them

• "Hey! I saw your posting for a sublet in the East Village on Craigslist for $1200 a month.  Just want to make sure — that window in the room actually faces, like, outside, right? Not a hallway or air shaft?"

• Having a friend who got paid like $100 a day just to take some rich lady’s son to and from school on the subway; having a friend who babysat some child on the Upper East Side who at the age of three wanted to play “chef and sous-chef” and not just “let’s make pie out of this mud”; large groups of children chained together via leash wearing matching shirts on the subway; children doing un-children-like-things in general

• The availability of cheap and greasy takeout food at all hours of the night, all days of the week

• "You want to get dinner in Chelsea? Sorry, I haven’t been north of 14th Street in like nine months."

• Coffee shops that close at 6 PM and don’t have Wi-Fi

• "Why would I have a driver’s license?"

• NYU, in general; the Meatpacking District; the Lower East Side

• Your intern casually mentioning his or her yacht/trust fund/inheritance; your intern’s online shopping habit which involves receiving boxes on a weekly basis, the contents of which are worth approximately your monthly pay

• Storing hair dryers/flat irons with the kitchen supplies since there’s never any outlet in the bathroom; people who keep their shoes in the oven; people who keep books in the fridge

compiled via g-chat in collaboration with The Rejectionist ; your input also welcome