THINGS NEW YORK HAS LEAD ME TO BELIEVE ARE NORMAL, PART DEUX.
A Cathartic Meditation On Things Currently Wrong With My Apartment, Which Is The Nicest One I Have Ever Lived In And Which I Still Genuinely Consider To Be “A Really Great Situation”
OR, Notes On Sense Of Place To Characterize “Post-Collegiate Recession Life In Brooklyn With A Low-Paying Job In Some Glamorous Industry” In Future Thinly Veiled Autobiographical Short Stories Which I Will Never Do Anything With
I. Things we are optimistically working to independently resolve due to unresponsiveness of landlord and superintendent, OR, ongoing self-improvement projects
- Moldering wall due to Leak #1: living room pipe and window, and the aftermath of the notorious Irene-induced pustulent wall-blister situation
- Caulking cracks in bathroom and floorboard; expanding foam around pipes and major holes. See also: roach situation which we are certain comes from neighbors
- Leaky kitchen sink; now fixed thanks to the various merits of Having A Handy Girlfriend
- Trivial and easily resolved inconveniences including but not limited to: lack of storage, poor lighting, uneven paint jobs, etc.
III. Things I am unable to fix, but on which the landlord and superintendent remain unresponsive, OR, ongoing struggles for attention
- Bedroom ceiling blister (roughly human-head sized) and concomitant rust stains due to Leak #2: unidentified source, presumably radiator related (occurs only when heat is on)
- Lack of hot water after midnight
- Lack of functional hot water tap in bathroom sink, cause unknown
- Major Electrical Problem #1, current duration 15 days, potentially due to a Hairdryer Sisyphus Ghost who is damned to use a very high voltage hair dryer for all eternity without their hair ever drying, somehow on my apartment’s circuit, resulting in permanent brownout with constant flickering and related problems, including occasional difficulties with using stove or oven due to electric ignition; inability to use microwave, hotpot, flat iron, or other devices requiring a steady current at all; interruption in wireless internet broadcasting; fridge at room temperature due to lack of sufficient electricity for constant cooling and the consequential Rotting Of All Our Food And Condiments. But! At least I am not doomed to flip my head upside down and have it remain permanently damp for all eternity like the Hairdryer Sisyphus Ghost who has caused this whole thing, and for whom I have nothing but great pity.
- Major Electrical Problem #2, duration usually five minutes to five hours, mostly self-resolving due to seasonal nature: building-wide blackouts due to circuit overloads mostly on days over 95 degrees. Superintendent’s solution: “Don’t use the air conditioning,” despite the fact that we do not have air conditioning.
III. Things my landlord has fixed in the past and estimated delay in action from first to second or third hysterical phone calls and eventual resolution, OR, things to restore my faith in either humanity and “the system”
- Replaced broken stove (1 week)
- Fixed entire wall of bathroom tile which collapsed mid-shower (5 days)
IV. Things I consider real perks about my living situation, OR, things I have been told are not actually considered perks elsewhere and are either “things to take for granted” or “things which are not normal” but which I cling to, desperately, as major perks
- Almost 400 square feet for less than $1200 a month
- Location less than two blocks from train!
- Lack of bell or intercom, but location on third floor means running downstairs to let people in is not unnecessarily difficult
- At least 12 restaurants which deliver to my location
- Numerous bodegas nearby, including an option of “the ones that sell Newman-O’s and organic peanut butter” and “the ones that sell Oreos and Kraft Mac N Cheese” within a three block radius
- Landlord and superintendent with at least conversational command of the language I speak
- Thugs who hang out on stoop are relatively benign; sell only marijuana, do not attempt to peddle residents their wares, do not hit on me or make lewd comments, even when I am wearing Possibly Inappropriately Small Running Shorts
- Windows which face courtyard/alley permit decent light but protect from weather and street noise
- Neighbors have repeatedly ripped alarm and lock off door to roof, permitting roof access with Actually Amazingly Nice View of Manhattan
- No mice, probably partially due to really cute building kitties!
Part one of this ongoing meltdown can be found here.