GOOD MORNING MIDNIGHT

Hi friends! I have gotten mad a lot lately about people being assholes on the internet and I want to talk about being an asshole on the internet.

I am not talking about people who are deliberately assholes on the internet. If you are deliberately an asshole on the internet, it’s okay. Troll is a feeling. I know. I forgive you. I am talking about Accidentally Being An Asshole On The Internet, especially when it relates to that dreaded P-word. 

So let’s all take a second to look at what’s in our individual privilege cocktails (‘cause sometimes we get good stuff and sometimes we get bad stuff, and sometimes it’s an entirely different thing depending on where we’re drinking, much like cheap white wine, which is horrifying 351 days of the year but occasionally just what you wanted.)  In one context one might have been arbitrarily given the social upper hand (things like “being white” or “being able-bodied” fit here) and in one we might find ourselves royally screwed over by society (things like “being queer” and even just “being born with a vagina” fit here.) Sometimes the same thing will work in our favor in some situations, and against us in others. Some issues we hear about often and some we don’t. Some issues we value more for our personal identity than others. Intersectionality. We all has it.  

HOWEVER. There are times when context is a little more obvious, and when it’s generally understood that one particular party is getting the short end of the stick thanks to the Evil Overlords of Societal Norms And Stereotypes Et Cetera.  This doesn’t mean that those of us with the long end of the stick are always doing great! We might be feeling shitty because secretly we are dealing with an invisible but debilitating illness or because we are gay or because we stubbed our toe. And then sometimes we feel shitty as a result of the other conversation going on, the one about how the Original Speaker kind of feels crappy due to their lack of privilege in the topic at hand.

Here are some examples of these sorts of feelings:

• “I have a lot of gay friends but I don’t like it when people think I’m gay by default!”
• “Why are you all talking about trans people, it sucks that I am invisible as a femme/bisexual/whatever!”
• “But I don’t think we can talk about race because my depression and lower-middle-class upbringing also prevents me from getting good job opportunities so I don’t think I am winning the privilege olympics so this isn’t fair!”

Sometimes we call these feelings things like “small violins” and sometimes we want to tell the speaker to shove it, and sometimes it turns out that we are the people with these unsavory feelings.

It’s okay if you have these feelings.  Feelings are totally valid. I have crappy feelings all the time where I feel resentful because I wanted to do my favorite thing in the universe, which is to Talk About Myself, and somebody had to rain on my parade.  I also frequently have feelings which make me want to walk up to screaming babies on the train and punch them in the face and scream at their parents to make their despicable little worm SHUT UP BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO READ.  

However, this is not a great thing to do, and if I think about it, the baby is crying because it is unable to do anything about the poo in its own diaper, which is a much crappier (sorry, couldn’t help myself) situation than my hungover irritation at the dread beast’s wailing.  Sometimes it is advisable that we turn up the volume on our Mopey Commuter Mix and think about it later and feel glad that we did not Do A Stupid Thing, like punch that baby or pitch a major mainstream site with a story about how it’s actually like really hard to be on the Privileged Side because you are not always on that side.

It is still okay to have those feelings! Just maybe those feelings are to be processed on your own, or on a G-chat with your best friend, or with your therapist, or with a friend or acquaintance who will give you the benefit of the doubt and talk you through it, whether that friend takes your side or is an understanding adversary who is willing to challenge you.

Sometimes we are assholes on the internet, though. I do it all the time.  Sometimes I comment or write things and then regret it.  Sometimes it is two hours later, and sometimes it is two years.  This is also okay! 

In the event that you are Accidentally An Asshole On The Internet Cuz You Didn’t Think About It Enough Before, don’t freak out. It’s okay. We all do it, white people and not white people and gay people and not gay people and disabled and able-bodied and young and old people alike.  I have left plenty of unnecessary comments (usually when I am hungry, which makes me grouchy and stupid) that I regretted, and I have winced at posts I wrote years ago that I now find lacking in nuance or good grammar or where, like my epidermis, my dreaded privilege is showing.  

It’s okay, friends. It’s okay. Try not to over-apologize and freak out and tweet 47 defensive things.  You can go cry to your roommate or cat or bottle of bourbon and vent out your Feelings! You are allowed to have those feelings and they are real and I know they suck! But it might be a good idea to not make your defensive/angry/sad/regretful/hateful feelings the public focus again, because 1.) you probably are making the person you were accidentally an asshole to feel worse and 2.) when you think about it, couldn’t your reactions sort of serve to reinforce the problematic paradigm being addressed? And don’t those reactions fit into a greater paradigm, too? Racism is shitty for white people too! Look at the bad feelings it made you have! Look at the even worse feelings it makes for the people who are being screwed over by it!

Oh. Maybe that’s why the people of color are not obliged to give a crap about my sad guilty white person feelings when I am having sad guilty white person feelings, or maybe that’s why I find it difficult to summon up a lot of compassion for straight people complaining about their sexuality being policed.  This is okay. There are people out there who care about your Feelings and help you understand them! Just not in every context.

You know when you’re on a conference call and someone starts freaking out over something irrelevant and stressful and someone has to say “Hey, um, Ichabod, you mind if we take this part of the conversation offline and work it out later, one-to-one?” No? Ok, it happens.  Do that.  Just take that part of the conversation offline, work it out, make some microwave popcorn, crack open a beer, watch a few episodes of Arrested Development or whatever, and we’re good. 

And while you’re at it, give the Offended Unprivileged-In-This-Context Personage the benefit of the doubt that they don’t Hate You Personally Forever, just that maybe they were hungry and had a crappy experience that day (like, I call out asshole straight white dudebros on the internet way more if I’ve been catcalled a lot in the past hour) or maybe they just read 400 other things like your Accidentally Asshole-y piece and didn’t need to see it somewhere super public right now.

It’s okay. You can still be Facebook friends. You can have a personal conversation with them, too — like, send them a nice email once you’re all calmed down, and maybe you can talk about it and work it out. Maybe you can’t and maybe you don’t want to and maybe they don’t want to educate because man, does that get exhausting.

Or maybe they are actually just an uptight jerkwad. This is okay too. Some people are actually just assholes, and they show up all across the board. You’ll still be okay.