halloween
In general, despite the fact that in theory it should be my FAVOURITE THING EVER (dressing up?! witches?! the vile sweetness of candy corn which I love above all things?!), I have to admit that I kind of hate Halloween. I hate the pomp and circumstance of it, the disgusting amount of effort to find a party halfway worth going to which inevitably always sort of ends up being mildly disappointing, the fact that it involves being assaulted by the disassembled wings/oversized hats/gorilla suits/miscellaneous accessories of miscellaneous assholes who are too drunk to realize that they are currently invading your personal space with aformentioned oversized costume accoutrements, the mixed feelings I always have about decorative gourd season (and the fact that I was amused by that, when I try not to be amused by McSweeney’s), the stress of putting together OMG THE MOST PERFECT COSTUME EVER, and, I don’t know, the fact that I’m just an irascible curmudgeonly shrewish joykill when it comes to holidays that intimidate me and/or have an intimidating expectation of fun-having. (It’s just part of my charm, I know.)
In general since college I’ve been copping out, which means stressing out for all of October, swearing it off entirely three days before, and then being persuaded out day-of and needing to throw something together last-minute, which means using it as an excuse to wear a wig/mask/something I kind of wanted to wear anyhow but wasn’t totally appropriate for ordinary weekend wear. (See: 2007, &2, 2009, &2.) Last year’s elaborate lace mask was gorgeous and a great investment, but as it turned out, Halloween parties require one’s peripheral vision (see previous rant about oversized accoutrements) and after approximately two drinks ended up as more of a headpiece. Oops.
THIS YEAR, however, dear readers, I am PLANING IN ADVANCE. I have narrowed down my INFINITE OPTIONS to three, and decided to blog about it to relieve my anxiety about selecting and executing one of them! Joy of joys!
OPTION 1. I have never done slutty Halloween. My friends are trying to talk me into slutty Halloween (being feminist and queer makes it, like, subversive, yanno, not just gratuitous. Right? Ahem.) I was reasonably excited about Leeloo, until I discovered exactly how difficult and expensive it is to procure orange rubber Gaultier crotchspenders, and also tried on a pair of those American Apparel gold leggings, which made me look lumpy in places I didn’t even know I had lumps. SERIOUSLY NO.
OPTION 2. Despite slightly reduced recognizability, Pris from Blade Runner is sort of COMPLETELY EFFING AWESOME and also, uh, sort of an exaggeration of how I dress basically every day and what I would do with my eyeliner if it was in any way okay at all. (No coincidence I’ve mentioned Blade Runner here a billion times before? Oops.) Hilary, you should totally do Rachel one year.
OPTION 3. I attest for the billionth time again that Daria is one of the sole reasons I survived my early-to-mid-teens, for real. I’ve always really wanted to get a whole crew together to go as the whole cast. But that would take effort. I’ll settle for using this as a reason to buy a ridiculous green (preferably crushed velvet) blazer (if such things exist.)
